The Palm Tree and The Pedophile
by xstar.lovex
Summary: Envy and Orochimaru are best friends. They make evil plans together and help each other out whenever needed. Orochimaru needs to get Sasuke back, and Envy plans on helping him. Will they ever capture Sasuke? Rated T just to be safe CRACK FIC
1. The Hunt for Sasuke

Envy and Orochimaru's Day out.

(A/N: Hey! I just had this crazy thought to make this.

Envy and Orochimaru seem fit to be together, so I just made this..lol. Enjoy!)

Envy and Orochimaru's Day Out

Envy lived with his best friend Orochimaru . The two had been friends ever since they were born. They had also known they wanted to take over the world one day, and often made plans together to do that.

Anyway, that morning, Envy was bored. "I'm bored, Orochimaru. What should we do today?"

Edward Elric was out of town, so he couldn't plot against him. Sasuke had escaped from Orochimaru, so he was planning on finding him.

"We can go look for Sasuke in the Hidden Leaf Village."

And so, the two abnormal men set out to find Sasuke.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha had returned to the Hidden Leaf Village after finding out that Orochimaru wanted his body. The snake man had also given him tips on how to revive his clan, and that's when Sasuke had run away.

_Flashback_

Sasuke had just come from outside, where he was training. "Hey Orochimaru." he said. Envy had been out torturing Edward, so Orochimaru thought this was a good time to give Sasuke a lesson on reviving his clan.

"Hello Sasuke. I was just going to go get you. We need to give you a lesson on reviving your clan so you can start as soon as possible."

"uh, I don't need help. Kakashi-sensei told me everything there is to know."

"Oh, well. Let's get you started then." Orochimaru started taking off his clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you revive your clan." Orochimaru said.

"AHHHH, NO!" Sasuke screamed when he saw Orochimaru's naked body. He started running around in circles, screaming his head off.

"Come on, Sasuke. It'll be fun!"

"I can only revive my clan with a with a woman, and you are NOT a woman!" Sasuke continued screaming like a little girl and ran out the door.

"NO, SASUKE COME BACK! I NEED YOUR BEAUTIFUL BODY!" but it was too late, Sasuke had disappeared.

Envy came back later that day. "What happened to Sasuke?"

"I tried to help him revive his clan and he ran away."

"Oh." Envy said, making a face. He would run away too, if Orochimaru tried to have sex with him, which he tried once but Envy ran away before he could. But that was still when Orochimaru thought Envy was a woman.

_End Flashback_

"Oh my gosh, Sasuke's back!"

Uh oh. The fangirls were after him again.

Sasuke quickly hid behind a tree so they couldn't see him.

"You think you could hide from us, you sexy man?" The leader said.

All the fangirls started to drag Sasuke away.

"NOOOOOOO!" he screamed as they carried him off.

* * *

MEANWHILE…

Envy and Orohimaru teleported to Konoha, where they started to look for Sasuke. They split up.

Envy checked a bar. He didn't see Sasuke, but he saw a familiar face.

"Chibi-chan?"

Edward turned around and stared at the green-haired homunculus.

"Envy, you bastard! I'm supposed to be on vacation from you!" Edward set his beer mug down.

"Oh no, he's a bad fighter when he's drunk." Alphonse said to Deidara, who was the bartender for some reason.

"I can't wait to see this then, un." Deidara said.

Edward and Envy started fighting, having one of their epic battles. In the end, Edward was laying on the ground in his own vomit. He hadn't put up much of a fight since he was drunk.

"I'll get you next time Envy. Just you wait." With that, a very drunk Edward passed out in his own vomit.

* * *

WITH OROCHIMARU…

Orochimaru searched high and low for Sasuke. He wondered where he could be.

He ran into Naruto at the Ichiraku Ramen Shop.

"Hey you, Nine-Tails boy! Tell me where Sasuke is!"

"Teme is back? All right!" Naruto said, slurping down his noodles.

"Yes, he escaped. Now tell me where he is!"

"I don't know, he has fangirls, ya know. Maybe they took his somewhere." Naruto went back to his ramen.

"Dangit, I'll never find him…"

_Will Orochimaru ever find Sasuke? And what other random characters from FMA will Envy run into? Will Edward ever stop drinking? Find out in the next chapter (Whenever I feel like writing it.) _

_And you see that review button? Use it to tell me what you think!_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Well, since we can't find Sasuke here, where shall we go now?" Orochimaru asked.

"How about we go to Resembool? Chibi-chan may know where he is. They're good friends." Envy said.

So Envy and Orochimaru went to Resembool.

**AT EDWARD AND ALPHONSE'S HOUSE**

Ed and Al had just gotten home from Konoha. They got there pretty fast, thanks to Alphonse. Al had to carry Ed's drunk, unconscious body all the way home.

Anyway, at home, Al was washing dishes when Edward decided to wake up.

"Al, where's the beer?" was the first thing he said.

"Brother, you were just so drunk that you passed out. I don't think you should drink anymore."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

Edward walked to the refrigerator and found a six-pack of beer. He drank a whole can in one sitting and started on the next can.

Alphonse just sighed and went back to the dishes. There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it." Edward said, tripping over his own feet as he made his way to the front door. When he opened the door, Winry was there.

"Hey baby. Give me a kiss." Edward said drunkenly to the blonde haired girl.

"Ew, are you drunk again Ed?" Winry asked.

"You tell me."

"Yes, he is. He's always drunk these days." Alphonse sighed dramatically.

"Anyway, I came to fix Ed's automail. I heard he got into another fight with Envy."

"He lost very badly, so you would probably have to." Alphonse replied.

"Hey! I did not! He just kept moving too fast. I beat him up pretty good." Edward defended himself.

"You threw a beer mug at him Brother,"

"See!"

"And you missed. It hit an innocent old man."

"Oh…."

There was another knock at the door.

"Should I answer it?" Winry asked.

"I don't know who it could be. Answer it Edward."

"Damn, I always gotta do stuff around here." Edward grumbled to himself. The short boy staggered over to the front door once more and looked through the peephole.

"Hey, there's this snake looking girl with Envy." Edward stupidly opened the front door.

"What do you want?"

"Is Sasuke here?" The snake person asked in a rather creepy voice, pushing Edward out of the way and coming into his house.

"Who the hell is Sasuke ? AND Are you a dude or a chick? " Ed asked, stumbling backwards from Orochimaru pushing him.

Orochimaru ignored him and spoke to Envy.

"I thought you said the boy was friends with Sasuke! It was just an excuse for you to harass him!"

"He told me he knew him!" Envy lied because what his friend just said was, in fact, true.

"Hey, Envy, why do you hang out with people whose genders are questionable? Is it because yours is too and you find comfort in befriending confused individuals such as yourself?" Edward asked.

"Wow, you're quite insightful for an alcoholic, chibi-chan." Envy said, impressed.

Ed just shrugged, sat on the floor, and stared at Winry.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Winry blushed.

"Oh no reason, it's just that you're really ugly."

Winry then proceeded to hit Edward in the head with the wrench she'd brought over.

"Oh mother, why'd you have to die and leave me with an alcoholic idiot for an older brother?" Alphonse cried to a picture of Trisha.

"Stop wasting my time! Do you know where Sasuke is or not?" Orochimaru was really pissed now.

"What does this 'Sasuke' look like?" Ed said slowly, air-quoting Sasuke's name.

"Well, he has large, beautiful black eyes that turn red when he activates his Sharingan, long, silky black hair…" Orochimaru trailed off dreamily.

"And he's emo and has a chicken-butt hairstyle." Envy added.

"Oh yeah, I've seen that kid. Last I heard, he got dragged off by a bunch of horny teenagers back in Konoha."

"Told ya." Envy said, smugly.

"Dammit! Those fangirls are a force of nature, we may never find him!" Orochimaru sighed. "Come on, tree-boy." He dragged Envy by his long green hair out of Edward's house.

"Hey, watch it! DO you know how long it takes me to do my hair In the morning?" Envy could be heard from across the road.

"Well that was weird." Winry said.

"Whenever Envy's around, weird stuff always happens" Alphonse said, finishing the dishes.

_Yay! Will Orochimaru EVER find Sasuke?_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(A/N: Sorry for the super long wait. Had too much homework. Oh how I love high school…NOT. Anyway, Here's the thingy.)

When Sasuke woke up, he had a major headache

"Ugh where am I…"

"Oh my gosh, he's awake!" A girl squealed.

"Oh yeah, I remember now. The Fangirl's Lair."

The Lair of the Fangirls was Sasuke's worst nightmare. There were stalker pictures of him featuring him from training, to eating, to taking a shower. INSIDE the shower. How they got that picture was beyond him. It freaked Sasuke out very much. The lair was also decorated with pieces of his clothing and locks of his hair.

"How did you get these pictures of me?" Sasuke asked the leader, Karin.

"Oh, Orochimaru sells them to us." Karin said casually. "Now, we have some things that you are going to do." Karin started walking slowly towards the very frightened Uchiha.

"What? What are you trying to do to me?" He was being backed into a corner.

"I'm just gonna have a little fun with you first, then let the other girls have a piece of you. We're going to help you revive your clan."

"Oh, no. Not this again. NOOOO!"

**WITH OUR FAVORITE SNAKE NIN AND GREEN HOMUNCULUS…**

Since Orochimaru was having no luck finding Sasuke, Envy wanted to go home and watch the new episode of Hellcats.

"Come on, Savannah's sister is pregnant by Savannah's boyfriend in this episode! I really need to watch it!" Envy whined.

Fed up with his whining (Envy had been at it for the past 2 hours), Orochimaru grabbed Envy by his hair and pulled him close.

"Now listen here, bitch. We are going to find Sasuke, even if it takes us 5 years. Why? Because I am very horny right now, so unless you want me to screw you, shut up and help me look for Sasuke!"

A very creeped out Envy nodded his head slowly.

And so, they continued on their way to find Sasuke, keeping a safe distance from each other, of course.

"Hey, how about we try that forest?" Envy suggested after walking an hour in silence.

"Good idea. I think these are the woods where the fangirls live."

"The fangirls?"

"Yes, Sasuke has fangirls. I often sell them pictures of him."

Envy and Orochimaru walked through the dense forest and spotted a cave,

"Ooh, what's in here?" Envy asked poking around at a rock. The huge rock suddenly moved and the cave's entrance appeared.

"I found something, Orochi!" Envy said.

"You found the fangirls lair! Quick, shapeshift into the pink-haired girl, Sakura. She adores Sasuke."

"Ok" Envy shape-shifted into Sakura.

"Yeah, let's go!" Envy/Sakura said enthusiastically.

Orochimaru and Envy/Sakura walked into the cave-lair place when they interrupted a meeting.

A short girl with a Sasuke t-shirt looked at them.

"Can I help you two?" She asked impatiently.

"Uh…" Envy/Sakura said, thinking.

"She wants to join your club." Orochimaru said quickly.

"Oh. Okay! But why are you here Orochimaru?"

"Uh…because…I brought you some pictures. I left them in the bathroom though, let me go get them." Orochimaru turned and ran out of the meeting room.

"But you weren't in the bathroom!" The girl called after Orochimaru, who pretended he didn't hear her.

Envy stood there awkwardly, mad that Orochimaru left him.

"Sooo, what do you guys do here?" he asked.

* * *

Orochimaru knew his way around the Fangirl's Lair. He did spend most of his time there whenever Sasuke escaped.

Anywho, the snake nin knew that there was a room in the back that contained a shrine to Sasuke.

If Sasuke was anywhere, he would be in there. The only problem was, there were two big ninja dogs guarding it. And if someone was to get past the dogs, there was a padlock that you had to enter a code into.

"Hmm…This should be challenging." Orochimaru said to himself.

"I'm going to need a few things though to break into the room.." With that, Orochimaru did some hand signs and poofed away.

* * *

When Sasuke woke up again, he screamed. He was in a room that had various candid photos of himself and pieces of clothing and hair. There was even some tissue stuck to the wall that he wiped his butt with.

These fangirls were no joke.

The room was completely dark except for the fact that there were candles lit near a full size poster of him with red kissy marks on it.

Sasuke had never been more scared in his life. Well, except the time Orochimaru had tried to rape him. Yes, that was the only time he's been more scared.

Sasuke knew he was sexy and all, but how could people be so freaking obsessed with him?

Soon after his observation of the small room, Sasuke discovered he was tied up. Usually this wouldn't be a problem for him, but he was tied up with chains.

"I need to get out of here!" Sasuke screamed, kicking his legs—which weren't tied up—and having a temper tantrum.

Suddenly, the doorknob jiggled and the door started opening.

"Oh no, not those fangirls again."

But as the door opened, one of the last people Sasuke wanted to see entered the room.

(_Ooh cliffy! Who's coming into the room? I don't even know yet..lol. We'll see next week who comes into the room to possibly save Sasuke!)_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

(A/N: I am so terribly sorry for such the long wait. Especially when I left you with a cliffy! IT's kinda short, sorry. I have not had the time or the motivation to write so I finished this while in English class one day…Anyway, I hope you enjoy the ending!)

When Orochimaru poofed back to the fangirls lair, he discovered that the door leading to the Sasuke shrine was open. The two guard dogs were dead on the floor and the padlock that was on the door was busted.

"What in the…I was gone for 5 minutes!" he yelled to no one in particular.

Then he realized that no one was around to listen and he might possibly get caught so he quickly shut up and cautiously walked to the door.

Just in case he wasn't In there and there was someone else in there, Orochimaru carried a baseball bat. He took a deep breath, counted aloud to 3, and kicked the door open, only to discover that there was no one in there.

"Huh, I could've sworn he was in here. Why else would they keep the place so heavily guarded?"

A disappointed Orochimaru closed the door and walked through the lair to search for Sasuke once again.

* * *

Meanwhile, Envy and the fangirls were having a tea party and chatting about boys. Well, one boy in particular.

"Oh my gosh, so I was like, spying on Sasuke while he was training the other day, and oh…He is so yummy!" A girl squealed. " Sasuke is so hot."

Envy was very uncomfortable with all this talk about Sasuke so he started talking about Edward.

"Well I saw this beautiful hunk of man fighting Edward Elric the other day. Even though Edward couldn't ever compare to him, Edward is still so dreamy, even when he's drunk. How his beautiful golden hair glistens when he throws up…" Envy trailed off as he got lost in his description of Edward.

All the fangirls just stared at Envy/Sakura in amusement.

"How dare you talk about any other man than Sasuke!" Karin yelled at him.

Suddenly, the real Sakura walked into the room.

"Hey guys, can I join your club?"

The fangirls looked from the fake Sakura to the real Sakura.

"…"

Sakura stared at Envy.

"I think I should be on my way now…" Envy said, backing out of the room before turning and running for his life."

"Who the heck was that?" Sakura asked, creeped out.

* * *

Now, you're probably wondering what happened to Sasuke. Well I'll tell you. He got eaten by dogs and died. The End.

Just kidding, let's go see what happened to him.

* * *

When Sasuke was still in that godforsaken room, he was scared so bad. The door suddenly started opening slowly and light from the outside world poured into the broomcloset/shrine. The fresh stench of the dead guard dogs blood also followed.

Sasuke's eyes focused on the shape of the figure entering the room, and he prayed to God that it wasn't a fangirl.

Suddenly, a bright, glowing light appeared around the figure and angelic music played inside Sasuke's head. Into the room stepped none other than Itachi, in all his sexy manliness.

"WTF? How'd you get in here Itachi?" Sasuke asked, amazed.

Itachi's eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.

"Wait, this isn't the bathroom." Itachi slammed the door shut.

"Wait, no! Itachi! Get me outta heerrreeeee!" Sasuke frantically pulled on the doorknob and started kicking the door, having a temper tantrum. Sasuke finished his tantrum, and twisted the door knob.

"Oh."

Sasuke opened the door easily.

"See ya bitches!" He yelled down the hall before racing out the back door.

And living happily ever after. I think.

* * *

Anyway, Orochimaru was STILL looking for Sasuke. He accidentally stumbled across the meeting room where the fangirls were having tea.

"Sakura, come on. I can't find Sasuke." Orochimaru whispered to Sakura, not knowing that this was the real Sakura and not Envy.

"Ew, no you creep! I'm not going anywhere with you! And you can't have my Sasuke!" Sakura yelled at him, hitting him over the head with a teapot.

Orochimaru screamed like a girl and quickly did some handsigns. He then poofed away to the middle of the forest to where Envy was hiding behind a tree.

"Did you find him?" Envy asked, back to his regular form.

"Does it look like I found him?" Orochimaru yelled at the green-haire dhomunculus.

"Geez, angry are we?"

Orochimaru sighed.

"I guess I'll have to find him another day. Until next time, Sasuke. Let's go home Envy."

And so, Envy and Orochimaru skipped away, arm-in-arm, into the sunset.

THE END


End file.
